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Tuesday, July 2, 2013

What is the brain

Now, I must tell you .....

Like most of each of us, I took my brain for granted.  No matter what I want to do, it is already ready to go into action.  I want to get out of bed; it signals for my legs to just lean down and move.  When my stomach growls it tells me I am hungry.

But, mine is feeling so very out of whack ....

It's giving me a headache

I'd really like to go to Kohl's and just return it because it sure feels defective.  I even have a hospital receipt, bill unpaid for them to credit.  You see no matter what I want it to do .... it has a mind of it's own.

I want to spell .... it's the practical joker. 

I am a great speller

Try to think .... and I'm like where did that word come from?!?!?!  Not even what I was thinking!

Challenge myself and think slower

To only sound like Ms. Chop-chop-chop- and destroy the English language.

Just think I will come up with my own Sue-ism's.  Do you think I should sell them???????

And, then there's the 3-5 second pain that travels through the left side of my head that stops me cold; I can't move at all until they leave.  And, I am getting them about three every hour on the hour.  Doc says that's normal.

My entire family is freaking out .... daughter Christa is still staying with us, daughter Angie calls from Texas twice a day, my mother wants to know why I'm not calling her three times a day, my husband has become my shadow and my son, Drue keeps repeating as if I didn't already know .....

"Mom, you had a stroke"
 
 
I know they are all worried about me.  Duh, I'm worried about me!!!!  They keep wanting me to be the same and it's plain freaking them all out!!!!  And, all I want to do is go hide!!!!  Because I know and don't feel normal!!!
 
My husband is a man that only knows how to fix problems and this is sooo, soooo hard on him.  I know that he is feeling helpless.  He is a take charge kind of man.  He is a "let's find the solution" and work on it.  Solution, solution, solution.  He is driving me crazy, but I love him so much for all his caring.  So, then I get frustrated with myself.
 
 

 
 
I went looking for a painting that just describes how I feel.  And, this one fits it perfectly.  I feel like this brain doesn't belong to me.  I am just consumed by all my emotions.  And, I am feeling very confused.  I don't know which person I am going to feel next.  For days I have been so angry because I want to go watch Justin play in the All-Stars.  No one has been able to reason with me.  And, the person I am the most frustrated with is myself and my husband is running a close second.  I feel like a child just wanting my own way.  I know everyone wants what is best for me, yet I feel so frustrated.
 
So, I am trying to turn now to my faith.  I am trying to take the time to listen to Him.  It's really so hard because I know that I am angry and grateful with Him also.  I just feel like a contradiction in everything.
 


 
You can download this at:
 
 
For anyone that has not been to my blog in a while, and has returned today I unfortunately had a minor stroke.  And, if you are new to the blog .... don't get scared off.  I don't usually sound this lost in myself.  I have asked to use my blog as a sounding board and so many of my friends here have told me I can.  It really does help me!!!!!
 
Hugs, Sue


19 comments:

Patti Lougee said...

Hang in there and know we are all pulling for you. My husband has what is called Conversion Disorder and his brain plays tricks on him in a different way. All of a sudden his legs will quit working or he will pass out or his left side goes weak - but there is no cause for it. It is very freaky and because of it I can kind of understand what you are going through and ALSO what your hubby is going through. It is soooooo painful to watch someone you love hurting and not be able to do something to make it better. It hurts deeply. But just keep reminding him the best thing he can do to help is be supportive and he doesn't need all the answers right now. God will give you the strength to get through. (Psalm 55:22: Psalm 147:3) Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

You expressed yourself SO WELL in this post, Sue. Thank you for sharing! The more you share, the more you process what has happened to you because of the stroke, and what you are going through now. Be PROUD OF YOURSELF for being a fighter, instead someone who has just curled up in a corner somewhere and decided to let the world go by.
My husband passed away a number of years ago because he had a brain tumor. He experience a lot of the same things you are going through. So I understand, just a little bit, about what you're saying when you get so frustrated with the pain, confused thinking, getting words mixed up, having your body not working the way it used to, and having so many people hover over you. Have patience, Sue. Your wonderful, AMAZINGLY CREATIVE brain needs time to heal. You need to keep doing the exercises you've been given to retrain your brain, even if they are hard to do or boring. They ALL LEAD TO FURTHER HEALING.
Sue, what a BEAUTIFUL, SUPPORTIVE family you and your husband have raised!!! "Pests" that they are right now, you must love them and be so proud of them for LOVING YOU and CARING ABOUT YOU the way they do.
So, in closing Olive Reedfilter, try to refrain from taking that brain of yours to Kohl's to return it. It is such a lovely, caring, beautifully creative brain; a brain that is DEFINITELY WORTH KEEPING and WORTH NURURING. I've notice in past posts how good and kind you are to other people. Give yourself permission to be GOOD TO YOURSELF. Be kind to Sue. Be patient with her. She is so worth it.
Take care! Sending smiles and warm hugs of encouragement. Enjay

Cindy John 3:16 stampartistry.blogspot.com said...

Hi Sue...I am so sorry to hear about your health problem. But...we have a BIG God who can heal you. I want you to know that there are people out here in 'Blog Land' who care and will be praying for you to GET WELL! Thank you for all you've done for us and the least we can do for you is to pray for you! God's healing and blessings to you! :)

Kristen said...

Well God bless you! I am glad your stroke was minor and not major, yet not glad you had a stroke. I came by because I was checking out free digital stamps blog. I hope you are back to your version of normal very soon. I am glad you are still able to be creative!!!
Have a wonderful day.

Embley Veronica said...

I'm new to your blog and I'm not scared off! I'm sorry you're having to deal with all of this, but you sound like you're going pretty strong and your blog is well put together, so your brain must be behaving itself a little better. :) My brain misbehaves all the time (OCD) but it's a very different sort of misbehavior. Nonetheless, we girls with naughty brains should definitely stick together. Have a great week and thank you for the generous digital gift! After all you've been through, to go out of the way to give to others is awfully kind of you.

HisDarlin Daughter said...

May God bless you with His magnificent comfort, His peace that passes all understanding and may He touch your mind and body to heal it completely...according to His perfect will for you of course. In Jesus most precious name...Amen

Thank you for your wonderful word art!

God bless you and all your family as they try to help and understand.

ellyscard creatief said...

Today I found your blog and love it.
Thanks for all your work and to giveaway for free.
{Sorry for my English, I am from the Netherlands]
Gr Elly[Grandma from 3 lovely girls]

Mat's Merry Memoirs said...

Get well soon, praying for you! Thanks for the gorgeous word art and remember just trust HIM, HE will get you through this ordeal! Hugs, Mat

Edwina said...

Hello Sue, Use your frustration in a positive way. Creating will help. I think on the one sentiment you meant udders not uppers. i know you keep saying it was a light stroke, but it sounds like it is a little worse than light to me. Turning to God always helps.Take care of yourself. Play soothing music. that will help calm you. Edwina Brown

Patty said...

I just saw this post about your stroke...I am so so sorry!! All the things you are writing make PERFECT sense. My former boss Pam had a stroke and she always expressed the same type of frustrations. And I can understand how frustrated and worried your husband & family must be. I pray that things get better for you in the future.

Chrissys for Cards said...

Thinking of You Sue - baby steps - you'll get there. For someone as creative as you, it must be so so frustrating and I feel for you. Keep going. You are stronger than you think.

Pat said...

checking in everyday and hope you are taking good care of yourself just wanted you to know I am thinking of you

Cindy John 3:16 stampartistry.blogspot.com said...

We LUV you Sue...not forgetting about you...praying for you...get STRONGER every day!!! :)

Pat said...

7/28/13 Thinking of you and hoping your recovery is going well I still check in every day just waiting for the day you are well enough to join us again

Sue said...

Hoping that the absence from your blog means that you are having some serious me time to let yourself recover, you seemed to be so intent on getting back to "normal". Just sending you some love and letting you know we are thinking about you.

SiskiyouSue said...

It is okay to be lost in yourself under these circumstances. It seems to me, just reading the last couple of blogs, that you are handling this amazingly well. I will keep you in my prayers.

Pat said...

Thinking of you and hoping that your recovery is right on track may God bless you with patience

Cindy John 3:16 stampartistry.blogspot.com said...

Hi Sue...It's been a couple of months since I posted and I pray this finds you improving each and every day. No need to write back if you're not up to it yet...I just want you to know you're not forgotten and I'm still praying for God's favor on you and for a FULL recovery. God Bless! :)

Ann English said...

My first visit here via a fellow DT's blog. I scrolled down and this caught my eye...I am so very sorry you've had a stroke. I cannot fathom how you must be feeling. My father had a significant stroke when he was 70. His recovery appeared to be 100% to us, but he struggled.

From what I see and read, it appears that you are making incredible strides! You are brave and strong! Love your blog! I'll be back :-)